if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
