I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize