I will die if light touches me.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
