The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
