The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
