my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
