he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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