I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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