I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
