Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize