im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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