Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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