a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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