i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Four minutes until I can fart!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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