Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
