It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
