Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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