I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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