rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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