Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
