I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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