jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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