you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
