Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I party with great urgency now.
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