Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
