By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We talked him into tasing himself.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
