She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
