I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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