Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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