This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
