I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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