Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
