areolas are like halos for boobs.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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