when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize