They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
