If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize