.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
