I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
