I didn't shave. On purpose
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
