You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
