Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
