My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
