The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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