So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
