so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
