we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Randomize
