I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
