I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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