I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
