I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
