Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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