if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
