Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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