i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
