my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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