I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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