then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
