Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
